Commando: Governator Reigns Supreme

Probably no name in American movie history can be considered as synonymous with the action movies of the era than Arnold Schwarzenegger. After making his breakthrough as a the unstoppable killing machine in The Terminator, Arnold had earned a following deemed big enough to get him lead billing in movies and thus came one of the most ridiculous movies of all time. Knowing full well going into this viewing experience that this movie would be ridiculous and not make any sense from start to finish and feature enough violence to shame a war movie I decided that instead of going through and just saying what's good and what's not I'm going to give you the five most glaring problems, plot holes or ridiculous moments from the movie. Oh the movie is about John Matrix a former Commando trying to save his daughter from a drug lord of sorts that wants to take control of some unspecified South American country. Even if it specified they do a really good job to make sure we never discuss it more than once.

Runner Up: At one point John decides to raid a all you can eat gun store and decides the best way to break in is hot-wiring a bulldozer!!!! He also then grabs every weapon known to man including a four barreled rocket launcher.....I'm fairly certain that doesn't exist in real life.

#5: Every cringe worthy bad line after John makes a kill. The collection of lines speak for themselves and there are three that come to mind. First, "Please don't bother my friend he's dead tired" (Get it he's actually dead!) Second, "Remember when I said I would kill you last? I lied" (he then drops the guy off a mountain). Finally, "why don't you blow off some steam". You'll have to see the movie to see where that one comes from but trust me the delivery is priceless.

#4: Latitude. In order to find the location of his kidnapped daughter John looks at a map the bad guys were carrying and begins to decipher it. Naturally I looked on hoping to see this trained Special Forces Op actually demonstrate some intelligence for a change. Much to my dismay and amusement our hero did use the phrases longitude and then proceeded to make horizontal lines across the map...I know his english isn't right but surely somebody on set based geography in middle school. As a movie viewer I cracked up. As a teacher I cried.

#3: Airplane Jump. In order to avoid detection and go save his daughter John makes a daring escape from a plane mid take off by jumping off the wheel of the plane. Now this is a stunt that could work if done properly and shot correctly. For instance, if John had used a parachute and landed into an ocean a little shook up. Instead what the viewer gets is a stunt double jumping off of some stock footage and then John landing it a marsh apparently on solid ground and gets up as if he shouldn't have massive internal injuries. Consider the suspension of disbelief thrown out the door and set on fire ritualistically.

#2:Shooting From the Hip. Well we all know why we came to see this movie we want to see ridiculous action. And there is action aplenty featuring a staggeringly expansive gunfight at the end of the movie. Lots of explosions. Lots of guns. Lots of bullet ridden bad guys. Only one problem John spends nearly the entire time shooting from the hip so nearly all of his shots would be entirely inaccurate and would certainly not mow down a full platoon of soldiers that are firing automatic weapons back at him. Then again maybe they're not hitting him because THEY"RE FIRING FROM THE HIP TOO!

#1: Shed Escape. This moment comes in the middle of the climactic gun fight as John is actually hit and retreats to a shed to grab some weapons. In the shed he finds a pitchfork, an axe, a machete, and saw blades. Now all of these weapons are very effectively but the saw blades are apparently so deadly when thrown that they can cut a man's head off. False I declared as i watched it happen. I know Arnold is a huge body builder but not even a huge body builder can throw a bladed frisbee fast enough to make that kind of a wound. I'll take a killing blow no problem but there's no way that weapon makes that wound.

So this is clearly not a movie for anyone other than ridiculous action movie fans and in particular Arnold fans who are looking for a hilarious way to spend ninety minutes. Also it's kind of interesting from a cultural standpoint that this movie is considered by many to be a classic action movie....*sigh* Honestly though it's not like you're watching this for plot. As the friend I watched this with stated..."I was two when the movie came out and I could make a more comprehensive plot than this." After seeing this movie again I'd have to agree.