Thought I would have some fun and speculate how Michael Peña's Luis (from Ant-Man) would recap Iron Man. Enjoy! The full text for this can be found at the bottom of the post.
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Full Text:
Ok so there's this dude named Tony Stark and he made like real big guns. And I'm not talking machine guns and stuff, I'm talking missiles that have missile babies and wreck mountains for the government,
Anyway he's super talented but really aloof and doesn't take stuff seriously so the dude from the big lebowski has to step in and be like "I'm sorry he really wants to be here" but he's actually busy at the craps table and sleeping with reporters. And then Pepper has to kick them out because I take out the trash and the trash is you which is real cold and a classic example of patriarchal values interfering with being a good ally.
Anyway he goes off the next morning with his boy Rhodey to show off that missle I told you about and that goes well, but his ride home gets attacked. And then in a classic example of irony an explosive with his name lands right in front of him and explodes.
Then he wakes up and he finds out that he's got a car battery keeping him alive and terrorists want him to make a missile for them. So he teams up with the dude who saved his life Yinsen to make an Iron Man suit to help them escape.
So they're ready to escape and Tony's about to head out in the suit but he needs more time, so Yinsen distracts the terrorists because in the M. Night twist his family has been dead the whole time. So Tony gets sad mad like my dude Morrissey and fights his way out and gets found by Rhodey.
Once he gets found he asks for Burger King in real obvious bit of product placement, and then tells everyone, I know we make weapons, but we're not making weapons anymore. And Big Lebowski is pissed and does a hostile takeover to shut Tony out.
But Tony can still see that his weapons are being used by the terrorists he escaped from so he's like I'm gonna make a better Iron Man suit. And he goes through a comedy of errors trying to make it work (kinda like my dude Scott did with the Ant-Man suit), and then goes and saves people from the terrorists.
And I remember there were a bunch of news reports going on and I was telling my guy Steve that "hey they should call this guy Iron Man" and Steve was like "They're already doing that, and you probably heard them doing it and subconsciously internalized that information" and I said "no I would remember that, can we sue them for copyright infringement" and he was like "well unless you have a registered trademark that's not gonna work....also I'm your criminal defense lawyer and we're talking about your plea deal so can we focus on that instead?" Anyway
So then we find out that Big Lebowski isn't just bad, he's "hire a bunch of terrorists to kidnap your supposed best friend and then steal the arc reactor of his chest to make your own iron man" bad. So Tony is dying, but his mostly incompetent robo arm saves the day and gives him his old reactor so he can live and stop Lebowski.
But Tony doesn't have much juice so he's gotta trick Lebowski isn't making his suit fail and then have Pepper make a bunch of lightning fire into the sky (which she's pretty sure will kill him, but we know won't because there's an Iron Man 2) and Lebowski loses.
Then S.H.I.E.L.D. is telling Tony, hey just say Iron Man's your bodyguard and everything will be fine, but because he's still a loose cannon. But Tony likes to live dangerously and tells everyone that he's Iron Man and the press goes crazy.
Oh and just when you think the movie is over Tony comes home to a dude in a eye patch that's like "You wanna be an Avenger." I'm sorry you wanted to know if we had the Iron Man documentary on Blu Ray, not the plot?
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